Craig Ferguson Dropping Casual Bits of Life Wisdom

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To be fed your perspective is to rob you of your own perspective.

Craig Ferguson

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yeah like I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s I will unequivocally say that suck Pap hey don’t you know it’s also a showy I feel like because your wife adores me yeah that maybe there’s going to be a limit to our friendship no no no no that that’s nothing to do with it no the real reason is that I I don’t hang out with anybody like Joe will tell you that I mean Joe and I have worked together for at least what 10 10 years more uh well no more if you go back to Late Late Show we’re looking at like 15 years 15 years yeah but we don’t hang out I mean we hang out a little a little bit Yeah but we don’t like I wouldn’t I would never called Joe up and say hey what’s what’s going on I’ve been waiting for that call for 15 years it’s not going to happen Jo I don’t call anybody off and say hey what’s going on I I am I I swear this is why I struggle with the the new kind of community of standups where standup uh comedians like particularly the younger ones are in this kind of collegate environment and and they they kind of like they’re nice to each other and stuff and they’re friends and hang out like it’s not why I go into it I feel really antisocial I was at the comedy store last night and this is how I roll I came in I had a 9:15 spot I got there at 9: watched the first the guy right before me got up did my thing walked offstage down the steps into my car and out of the parking lot James Onex and I really have that thing of like should I be hanging out more do I am I antisocial no you shouldn’t you shouldn’t be hanging out more you should be true to who you are and I’m tired of this [ _ ] Relentless positivity about people who are positive and those of us who have negative you know personalities have to pretend that we’re not in order to be positive and I I’m like you know what I don’t feel so [ _ ] good A lot of the time and and and that’s why I do stand up the the idea like the that people would say I would like a career in standup comedy I’m like that’s insane to me I do this cuz I failed everything else I know I know exactly that this would be a rational choice to well I think it is now though I think because I think actually the younger people are nicer and friendlier and smarter dare I say than us then then am I making you the same age as me cuz you’re probably know I’m older than you yeah but I’m going by the time this airs I’ll be 62 wow 62 man wow Joe said 65 and I said that was you this is another reason why we don’t hang out Joe and I can never hang out cuz he’s always aging me by a good three years he looks so much younger though that’s how I him back I mean it’s like thanks Jo and it it works every time I I but there has to be a slight annoyance that your wife is a fan of my comedy CU any anyone that my wife likes I don’t uh I’d like them a little less uh you know I I got to be honest I I don’t feel threatened by it and I’ll tell you for why because I’m also a huge fan of your comedy so I feel for us it’s kind of a shared thing okay and and it in a weird creepy way we will like watch you uhhuh together so I like that so it’s not no I I am also a fan of yours okay so it’s not like I don’t like you and she does I like you I mean I don’t look I’ll be honest with you Tom I don’t know if she’s attracted to you sexually but she might be she might be uh I feel like uh I feel like and this is no offense to her but who cares fine married and old who wellow she’s ready to go she’s ready to go one of those right she’s to go married old she doesn’t need another married no yeah exactly that whole that whole uh part of life that demographic is covered it’s fine funny how I love this can I say by the way the uh keante in the basket yeah is so beautiful I know it has a a 1970s uh it’s just everything about it says 1970s and I I love that I know and it’s amazing that they there’s this place kind of near your studio mhm What was a call melis maybe where they would I don’t know if they still do it but they would if you bought a bottle of wine they would ask you to sign the straw when you were done and hang them from the ceiling so the whole place that’s a fire hazard that’s it’s a terrible fire hazard probably why it’s not there but I but you know I haven’t drunk wine since it came in bottles like this right that that’s how long it’s been it’s not a trigger uh I well we’ll find out I don’t think so gonna put it over yeah yeah maybe just put it over there just in case I go crazy I break it open and start drinking on your let me tell you something if I’m going to start drinking on a podcast and’ll be my podcast cuz I need those numbers up if I’m drinking uh I baked you this bread thank you so much and uh I’m not sure where you’re if you’re in a hotel or what you’re doing while you’re out here uh I’ve been in a hotel and I’m going to another hotel but I’m flying home okay uh on Sunday on Sunday will it keep for a couple of days and then make a transatlantic Journey no okay it won’t make it but I I baked this uh yesterday and it’s a little denser it’s it’s a little denser yeah uh but it looks so beautiful so but then I brought you another loaf from my friends at lodge bread as a uh as a backup that you could I do need a backup loaf this is lovely and it’s lovely it takes away the smell of former porn Studio as well which is tell me about Scottish food um tell me about who cooked for you when you were little when I was little my mother uh was the cooking our house um now my mother is no longer alive and neither’s my father so I’m going to tell you the truth about my mother’s cooking my mother couldn’t cook for [ _ ] uh she she was a terrible she was a great baker oh she was yeah it was interesting she could make great um you know fairy cakes she used to call them and little angel cakes fairy and angel cakes it was all quasi religious baked goods all the time and the uh angel cakes said they would she’ make these little cupcake things and cut the top off then put cream in and put little wings on them wa with the bit she cough it was beautiful sounds delight and fairy cakes and she was a great baker really good at it but for actual day-to-day food not her thing but but she was feeding you she was feeding us yeah well clearly you know I mean we uh in Scotland at the time I mean I grew up we were uh we weren’t I I didn’t grow up in a wealthy family and and Scotland at the time is very different to the way it was when I grew up um Scotland now is widely diverse and you know very Cosmopolitan and well to a degree you know like and uh but in the 19 late I was born in 1962 so in the late’ 60s early ’70s just my memory kind of begins then uh it was not like the fanciest thing you would ever see in your life would maybe be a bottle of keante in a basket right it was mostly egg and chips M uh on Sunday we used to have a chicken because uh that was the day we had chicken and the rest of the time it was it was fairly basic fair I remember but it was before mass-produced Foods really right so it would be kind of local realize now it was probably pretty good yeah and here’s the thing everyone in my family is tall uhhuh and they never used to be and this is my theory about food my dad knew a guy that worked on the shipyards and every week because of this connection or every month or so every few weeks he would bring home a box of apples and a box of oranges fresh apples and fresh oranges and my mother used to put them in the hallway cuz we couldn’t really afford candy you know but we were allowed to just help ourselves to an apple or an orange any time right and I think that’s why all my family are you know or that or we’re patrioty Giants I don’t know but but everyone’s like everyone’s tall and you think it was because e do that yeah and yeah I think we had vitamin and no one to my knowledge in my family has had scurvy so that that’s uh not recently anyway it really is kind of insane that we have to think about and listen to podcast and be told by experts that we really should be eating real food yeah that is a weird place to be that there’s so much ultr processed stuff it’s kind of crazy it’s insane I and I I get when I was a kid like I can remember the first time I went to a restaurant it was 16 and it was my grandfather’s funeral W so that was I there wasn’t really I mean used to go to cafes when we were and there were a lot of cafes in Scotland there’s a big Italian Community in Scotland oh really in Glasgow yeah so there would be CAF you could always get decent coffee and a lot of the Italian a lot of the fish and chip shops were owned by Italians so you could always get really good fresh fish and ice cream ice cream is really good nice um but that Italian and not really Scottish right um Scottish f is is I think historically it’s mostly just what you can catch right like whatever it is so some of us like smoke salmon and and you know and like they do venison really well apparent I I can’t really eat venison but yeah but it’s a little gy it’s Bambi you eat Bambi like give me some Bambi and Thumper and some fries I can go eat [ _ ] Bambi that’s terrible my brother-in-law lives in New Jersey or New York now and uh they have land they have like you know moved into New York Oh you mean New York State yeah and they have land and he just started getting into hunting and my wife is vegetarian and a delightful person and very caring and we went to visit their new house and we’re looking at this land is like oh there’s probably a lot of animals and he said yeah you know there’s there’s deer that come right at the edge right there and my wife was like oh that’s so nice he goes yeah I think I think I’m going to keep a gun in the bathroom CU I could I could actually get him right from the house I don’t I don’t understand the impulse you know what I mean I I’m fair I I I’m I mean I’m sanguin about people having guns but but the I don’t understand the impulse to kill an animal and eat it maybe if I got hungry enough I’m fact I’m sure if I got hungry but uh but I it’s them or me but hunger to me it was like I was talking to friend of mine a couple of days ago who would he used to be quite heavy uhhuh and he’s lost a lot of weight and I said did you take the OIC uh and he said yes I did I said what does it do he said it just takes away your appetite yeah and I said well so he said well and so you’re not hungry and I said I don’t eat because I’m hungry I haven’t been hungry since 1974 I I eat because I’m sad eat because because f with anxiety yeah but e eating for Hunger I I don’t know if I I mean I can pretend I’m hungry but how long is it since I had food is it really hungry I don’t know look at me look do I look hungry I I don’t think I look hungry though do you work out uh I kind of have to now I’m 62 if I don’t work out it’s really it’s fast fast to fat or fast to Crazy Just fast fat and crazy town that my tendency is to gain weight very quickly uhhuh uh so I have to you always that way yeah yeah I when you were on the show when you had your oh night drives me so mad like late night like I was doing it I worried about my weight and my accent and then boom they hire James cordon when I like it’s the fat guy with an accent were you worried about your accent at the time I thought about it a little at the beginning towards the end I didn’t care about it but or towards the last 9 years I didn’t care about it but interesting because it uh it was it really is so funny we all carry our own things our own insecurities but watching from the outside to me it always seemed like this must be so cool to be one step outside of this country in its culture right it’s got to be so cool to be just sitting back and being like a little bit more of an observer a little bit removed like to me it seemed like the coolest thing ever that you had that accent and you’re there like thinking do I have too much of an accent well I I kind of I think what happened in the course of being on that show I became an American citizen and I also uh I immersed myself completely in being an americ I’m completely identify as an American now I an American absolutely and I uh you know and I like it’s funny I’m reading have you read gorvy dal’s biography of Aon bar yes did read that spectacular book spectacular book but of course deals with a lot of the the input of my people and you know and Irish people and of course I’m half of my family are Irish anyway so right so and the the kind of how bad we all are the anger bad you know and like but also some good but also some very very bad and but how American we are right you know part of the American story for good or ill is the input of the Scots and the Irish which is what I am and um and that’s uh that’s how I identify now it’s how I think of myself as an American what is there a mental shift like do you know like when you say you identify as an American what what mentally does that mean I feel like the the like the where I am in Phil iic like when I’m in Scotland I feel more of an outsider than when I’m in America like I feel like I feel like here I fit inh and I feel there I don’t but that could be just being Scottish cuz being Scottish I think everybody probably feels like they don’t fit in right might be part of being Scottish but or or being the type of person that becomes a comedian MH that that I don’t belong to anything like you talked about The Comedy Store I’ve never been in there really never been in really yeah should go no I don’t think I should why not what the [ _ ] would I do get up on stage and why I do that for work it still works yeah well but yeah so I I work for do they pay you I I don’t know I’m not really sure no I I mean look I I do it because I I love to do it and I it’s how I express myself but it is my job and also I I can’t imagine like you know if I was you know uh a painter in fact I had a friend of mine who was a painter a very good painter he he’s dead now sadly like most successful painters and um but he was very popular in New York uh in the 1980s and we were in a restaurant one of the CAF Des artist where you draw things on the table uh I said you should draw something he went oh no why he said oh no no no that’s not how it’s done right it was kind of like I kind of feel a little bit like that I feel I know what you’re saying but the reason I like it is that I like I don’t like I feel like I have to make myself go into places where maybe a lot of the people don’t know me and I have to try and still make them laugh like you can end up your audience comes to see you all the time and it’s a nice it’s a nice space I like to walk into well they don’t know you yeah like 18year olds who were making out and looking at you like who the hell are you no I have no desire to do that at all you don’t like pain well I I I I feel like I did it I I I mean I I did plenty of years of people going who the [ _ ] are you and I I when I started there wasn’t even comedy clubs right it wasn’t a comedy club it wasn’t like and now your next comedian or welcome your headliner or there’s none of that [ _ ] there was like they would stop playing they would it would be music clubs and glasgo uhuh and they would say that somebody would come on a microphone from behind a desk a DJ desk and say uh the next band will be on in uh 15 minutes but first here’s a [ _ ] that thinks he’s funny that and that would be it that would be my my 10 minutes so yeah I I feel like I I put it in that time and I don’t it’s not that I object to not being known look it’s fine but to seek it out no no yeah I feel like I don’t know I feel like it just keeps me in check a little bit Yeah would you want to keep yourself check for I mean it’s like it’s like that thing you do in the act like people I’ve heard you do it it’s a great bit when you say so your £10 heavier you’re 15s heavier so let me just turn it around so you’re [ _ ] crazy and eurotic you’re a stand up comedian you’re crazy it’s not a it’s not a non- crazy job no it is it’s like it’s not like wow like people say this all the time about when I was doing late night ever met someone super fancy Super Famous you know and people would always say were they nice and I would say I don’t know uh sometimes they were polite but were they nice I don’t know and anyway why does that matter right you know it’s like I know you met Picasso yeah was he nice what does the [ _ ] matter I don’t know I mean but niceness seems to be the real currency of yeah uh yeah weird it is a weird first question all the time yeah are they what are they like are they nice would they like me like no they’re really weird yeah very very it’s it’s the thing that I I made this mistake about Tom Cruz mhm I used to like I did bits about Tom Cruz and the act when he jumped on Oprah’s couch and all that and I made fun of him and I regret that uhhuh we need Tom Cruz yeah we need Tom Cruz to jump on Oprah’s couch we need because we need him to make those movies cuz those movies are great they’re not just oh did you like I don’t care who you are that is a great movie that Top Gun Sega movie I don’t even [ _ ] know where to start with how great a movie that is and and who who can do who’s got the [ _ ] coonies to spend that amount of money and then Co comes along and they say oh just stream it and Tom’s like no we wait until the movie theater’s open and he saves the movie business I’m going to save the movie business yeah and I like no I I I regret mhm saying that Tom was Cra Crazy like that’s negative I still think he’s crazy yeah but but I think it’s awesome there is a weird I agree with Tom Cruz 100% uh there is a weird thing and you you must know this more than most the talk show host to the guest thing is it’s amazing how the old shows have been held up like look at Dave talking to this young girl and flirting with her look at uh look at how they’re making fun of Britney Spears look at like it really they it’s kind of gone through uh this filter right uh and I don’t know if it’s I mean it’s seems so you know part of it is being caught up in the we’re trying to check everything right but I as a host if you’re there with this beautiful actress who’s dressed to let everyone know how beautiful they are right to not comment or flirt or have that moment well I would I would flirt with anyone uh male or female I I mean I I wouldn’t because it’s it’s artifice right it’s a show right you know so it’s yeah doing a bit yeah yeah it’s a bit so I don’t feel like it’s but through the lands of now MH um I don’t know I mean it it things are different like I remember doing the Late Night show and I would like I I would tear up the cards for the interview I would not do the monologue I would you know do something else I would talk about but I think because uh everything is a little uh more uh precarious and I mean more for the guests really like a publicist would say we can’t do that because we don’t know what how the conversation is going to go and that’s too dangerous for my client ex whoever it is and I think it would be it would be difficult to get guests on on a show the way I used to do it right I don’t know I’m not going to do it again but it it but it’s interesting because then now we have this emergence of these kind of shows right where the audience wants you to talk deeper and longer and and be more revealing but the audience chooses it like broadcast television is like uh you know you fell asleep when Dave was on and then you woke up and I was on right and and so I would get whatever was lying around but you you you’re this show is a show of your valtion I’m going to you know who’s on Tom’s podcast oh Craig F I [ _ ] hate hate him so I’ll wait till the next one or or I like him and I’ll I’ll listen to you know whatever it is but you find you find your stuff now it’s not broadcast isn’t really I don’t think it’s really even possible unless it’s a like the Super Bowl or something yeah and then it’s broadcast everyone but a a broad like literally a broad cast of of entertainment I don’t I think that’s probably redundant now is an idea yeah the thing that really stuck with me when when we spoke last was how you were talking about the late night gig for Americans who grew up as kids watching and trying to get those gigs right was like a a lifelong sentence it was like you got that gig and you would never leave it and for you it was like coming from the outside it was like no this is a gig and I don’t have to do it forever and after a certain amount of time I’m going to go do the next thing I’m going to do and it was such like it really is this mental oh I know it was it was like I had committed some kind of blasphemy when I was like you know and no one ever believes it right you know is like you nah I’m I’m done that like 10 years is a long time for me to do anything and they uh people like oh oh yeah whatever fine yeah he must be sick something’s going on or yeah you got fired right go sure I go I mean I probably would have if I H out long enough um do you feel like it’s been a uh creatively a uh cool move for you like do you feel since you are freed up from the daily doing the show like creatively yes I think it is uh I don’t know if I’ve created anything that that I thought I couldn’t no you know what I wrote a book after late night and I don’t think I would have written that book while I was doing it right uh and I’ve done a couple of things where I mean I’ve done shows like game shows and stuff like that was like creative I guess you know but yeah but there’s a couple of things I’ve done I thought and I am writing a book right now which is taken forever oh yeah um and the uh Peter Cook used to say did that tell you this yeah whenever Peter Cook used to say uh um when someone said they were writing a book he would always say neither am I but uh like but but creatively yes I think it I was done doing that yeah so I think yes I think probably creatively it was a good idea but right uh I feel like the great danger that I don’t know if you suffer from this but I I have this horrible habit MH like if I begin anything like I start writing a a book like it was you know it was a sunny day and you know the flowers were just opening and by the time I get to the end of the sentence I’m thanking everyone for the award I’m winning for the book that I haven’t written yet you know what I mean like and I’d like to thank you for all being here today and this book has been a struggle and you’re welcome now you have to go back to the beginning write the book again I do have this thing where I became conscious of it a long time ago like really early the same thing that as I’m I’ll be writing or writing a joke or writing something longer whatever and uh I start thinking about oh I’ve got to send this to somebody immediately yeah I think someone’s got to well now a lot of young artists now they do that that they will include their uh fans or admirers or audience in the process of of of doing whatever they’re making yeah um and there’s all I remember you know Kevin Bacon yeah so I was talking to Kevin some he was doing some like pretty serious drama for uh um Amazon uhhuh and it was that was that I can’t remember where it was but it was pretty intense then you know Kevin does some real he’s a proper actor yeah and uh and he was talking about it and he said they want me to tweet out about it while I’m doing it he said it’s really frustrating because my whole job is to try and convince you I’m not [ _ ] get right yeah and then you have to go oh it was really sunny the day this happened and I was so hungry when I was pretending to to be a killer and you know it’s like Oh weird I do really admire people who don’t do it who don’t participate in it it really you can still create that allore of it’s the aspirational position of today’s society is to not be connected to social media yeah and and I feel like that’s if I have a goal in Show Business now is to get that [ _ ] out of my [ _ ] life the I think that social media and I’m want to be very specific about social media not talking about phones not talking about the wonders of the new technology it’s amazing that that shit’s incredible I love it but social media MH unrestricted digital bathroom walls for everyone to write on that has taken over and now all media is social media yeah it is possibly the worst thing that’s happened to Human Society in year in years and like maybe since oh I don’t know colera it’s awful what is the worst part of it I think it is the it it is the the what it does I can only speak for what it does to me is it makes me feel paranoid and Afraid and I’m not quite sure why but it it engenders in me a kind of and I think it does it to I mean I have children and I don’t I I’m you know my older son is very uh connected to uh the digital world he’s an animator he has to be and and my younger son has very restricted access to it which he’s actually very comfortable with how old he’s 13 uhhuh and I think that um you know he he fights about it a little bit but not really I mean I I think it’s a relief yeah because I think you know that feeling when people say I’m going to detox from social media if you’re detoxing for something that means it’s tox if you’re toing if it’s [ _ ] toxic then it’s tox yeah and and I you know it is a struggle I’m not going to deny it when I found that magnifying glass thing on Instagram I was like I lost two days of my life until I went whoa and I had to get rid of cuz I was like oh airplane landing oh cat doing something cute oh horrible murder oh yeah that’s Pandora’s Box man I don’t think that the human brain is equipped to take a that much that it’s too much it’s way too much and I I I don’t know maybe other more qualified people can do it but I can’t and I I do believe that the aspirational position is in Show Business now is not to win an oscar but is to not have a [ _ ] social media Presence at all and still make a living I know my pal Matt Damon does not do it and I’m not familiar with that J he’s an actor I I I love you if he was a social media I could you can show me is he on Instagram cuz if he’s not but it’s so cool it really is so much it’s he it’s so much better we when do we get to see Matt when he’s in a movie when he’s in a movie when he decides he wants to show you him yeah if he wants to come on a late night show or something like that but it’s not going to be every day and this is my wife and my kids and my breakfast and all the rest of it and see I’ve got social media presence in the sense that you know hey everyone I’m going to be at the Irvine Improv right right well I do that then I give it to someone and they put it on the account yes I know that’s yeah that is a big relief it’s a expensive but I it’s kind of worth it I think it is worth that’s the thing as a working comic it’s like you know you want people to know and see where you’re coming you need people to know where you’re going and and if that’s how people get to know that’s how they get to know and so on one hand it’s very it’s it’s very convenient but to consume social media that’s the thing if you’re putting it out that’s one thing but if to to all of a sudden yeah and it really it’s as strong and intelligent as I think I am at times walking through my bathroom uh it’s stronger than I am oh yeah I also it’s the it’s now used as a source for so-called legitimate media of which there is none I know you know so they’ll say people are really angry about well who you know five five people on Reddit or or that’s not a [ _ ] poll I saw as part of a news like a real newscast and they said Bob on X said this I’m like who’s Bob it was just a random it tweet just take it out your computer and throw that piece of [ _ ] at the toilet wall and keep going uh does it does it create uh workplace Envy or any of that stuff or is it more just the onslaught of yeah I think what you mean like if you see other people doing well yeah we just had the festival so I had to post a lot for the Netflix as a joke Festival you’re posting and this is fun and we’re all doing this stuff but then at a certain point it starts to tip over and it’s like well that guy’s selling out an arena and this guy is doing that and all of a sudden these thoughts I don’t care I don’t have all it can do that but then you have to get the scale and I think that social media doesn’t give you scale but I think the thought process if you think about things for a little minute it does give you a sense of scale so for example if comedian you feel envious about is selling out an arena or or a stadium um and then you think well who else what other comedians have sold out stadiums there’s a few of them and then you go do you want that no no I don’t I don’t want that and you know it it’s getting stuff in perspective I think the the to be fed your perspective is to rob you of your own perspective and I know that people think that they can handle social media and maybe they can I’m not saying that they look a lot of people can handle alcohol and and be fine with it yeah I can’t right and that’s just the way it is yeah I agree there are certain people that stir [ _ ] up on social media and they love the vitriol and going and they really do seem to enjoy it they get into it I have no no thanks no thank you no it’s like that you know yeah that’s made everyone mad why did you do it I know everyone mad but I don’t know I grew up where the school that I went to and the and the way that I moved around when I was a kid you made someone mad you there was violence was at the end of that so it became you don’t want to make people mad right um you get punched in the face right so so I I feel like I’ve held on to that a little bit like don’t make anyone mad you get it’s really you get hurt it is a Wonder though like if you do go to the little magnifying glass and you put some decent things you want to see and it starts feeding you for the day you’ll just start noticing very positive cute little things okay and you seem like oh this is this is lovely social media is a delight yeah and then little bit Yeah there like little poison I I know I know I know we’ve been watching cat videos for an hour but here’s a little murder just in case you like this murder it’s like all right all right and then you go and like I notic it’s not now what the uh on the Tablo remember there used to be Supermarket tabloids and and now they’re being legitimized cuz they called them like websites and stuff but it’s still the same thing and what they will do now I think this is fascinating they put up headlines that you can’t understand so it goes man in shop invents wheel that suddenly hits him and he falls over and people are laughing Palestine and you go what the [ _ ] and you click on it engagement they got you and it’s not like you have to read it you don’t have to read it they’ve got what they want they got the click that’s it that’s all fine move on right so you don’t it’s not even MH or maybe they suffer from what I suffered from today which is spell check which is oh yeah somebody texted me and said what time you get to Tom’s podcast and I wrote as I was driving I shouldn’t have done it was a light I went I’ll be there approximately uh 11:45 and then I looked back at it it’s coming in it said I’ll be there aroma therapy P 11:45 I was like oh so I clicked on and then they got me I have the thing on on the on Apple it’s putting an underline under correctly spelled words uhhuh and I’m like why why are you doubting my just to [ _ ] with you yeah I listen I believe it yeah I’m like what are you doing but I think there’s a whole lie about tech as well that you know like the The Tech Community in you know in Northern California and all that they’re just 19th century industrialists it’s the same [ _ ] impulse Absolut you know it’s not you know they’re no better than any of the other [ _ ] Empire Builders of yeah I mean they don’t [ _ ] like oh they’re you know they care about they don’t give a [ _ ] about any more than Andrew carnegi cared about libraries until he saw the Grim rer coming to him like you know what maybe we should have some libraries for everybody right God well I didn’t do the libraries you did that’s true yeah what do you think of AI uh I’m a fan you’re a fan yeah because at least it’s uh it’s a robot and you can [ _ ] with it in much more funny way I don’t feel I feel like it won’t get mad at me so maybe that’s why I like it right I downloaded chat gbt a couple of days ago because I’d heard about it and I was like you know what I’m going to look at it and so I said I asked it cuz I thought oh this could be great write me a short Craig Ferguson routine about Gira uhhuh and I thought and to see if it can write I wasn’t writing it but I thought it’s random enough giraffes we’ll see and then it I thought and it wrote a short routine apparently in my style about giraffes and I thought man I really suck I’m a really [ _ ] terrible comedian or my delivery is great one of the one cuz the material is shocking on paper it’s sh what’s the deal with giraffes ladies and gentlemen and I’m like what did I say that and then do I say hey folks when giraffes are are drinking they look stupid and I’m like do they I don’t even feel like that’s true um so I I could have but of course I got into what I would of course end up doing is I started asking it about the existence of God and you know and then I realized it’s just a search engine right I know it’s just a so it just goes to it just you know it’s kind of disappointing when you go through it I know I mean maybe it’ll I’m sure it’ll change it’s going to be become more and more sophisticated but at this point it’s it’s just like going to Google that types out the its replies I think that’s kind of it what I have noticed though I was in San Francisco a couple of days ago and I’ve noticed that in La now as well is uh the driverless taxis which I presume is an AI thing right um and that I think I’m like oh that’s kind of creepy also I was at a hotel today and I was leaving I came out the elevator and I bumped into the robot that was cleaning the floor oh what do you mean it was cleaning the floor it was a robot and it was just just cleaning the floor and I was like oh my God I was like sorry I guess I saw that in the airport there was something going through and watching the human reaction of everybody like whoa looking at each other no like oh there’s a robot you go wait you see the autopilot on your plane you’re going to [ _ ] your BS yeah but it’s it’s I think that like a I mean I don’t know if you remember this I’ve been hearing for years like maybe 40 years I’m that you know it’s going to be driverless cars in five years mhm yeah uh but now I’ve seen some uhhuh so maybe it will happen maybe it and you know things change and that’s all right grandpa will get over it and then he’ll die you know I mean that’s it’s the way it is yeah but it’s a weird thing though you see people who seem to be in the know about it and they seem to have a no this is it’s begun yeah it’s happening yeah and get ready yeah you know what I mean yeah that’s fear though that’s the fear industrial complex that’s how you click mhm it’s like it’s really really bad well here’s the thing look at some history it’s always been really really [ _ ] bad look at gor Vidal’s uh uh biography of burr look at the election like maybe the second election in the United States of America when they’re like this whole [ _ ] place is going up yeah and every election sense this is the [ _ ] one this is the one yeah you know maybe one day they’ll be right you know I know I I was I was cheerleading for my sister the other day oh yeah she was she was uh she was just down about the world she we got some good news in the family and I was like oh this is great and she’s said yeah so we got some good news in this in this horrible world and she’s not that kid she’s not that pessimist and I was like what do you mean this horrible world what do you mean I said look we just got this great news you have this great business we have this great family you were doing all these things he goes yeah but things are so bad out there I’m like they’ve always been bad you have also it’s kind of like here’s an example San Francisco you look at social media S Type San Francisco into social media and unbelievable right go to San Francisco yeah it’s exactly the same as it always was I know like it’s exactly the same I know in fact if anything kind of a little better maybe kind of a little better and I was like wow I I’m kind of shocked I had that lesson when uh during the P the end the beginning of the pandemic that first summer yeah when Portland on was on fire it was like there was they were rolling skelet skulls through the streets it was just brutal and I had a gig I was like I booked going to Helium Comedy Club there were 10 people allowed in the in the club but really went out I was like I’m going to go I just I have to go and and my daughter was going to come with me and we were looking at CNN it was like we’re going there we’re going to Portland and Trump is talking about how it’s a failed City and things are on fire and I’m like we got to go let’s just go we have the show people are coming and we we get off the plane within 15 minutes we’re at this taco truck food truck and the sun shining and all these lovely Portland nightes are like hanging around Fred Armon is there doing a bit and and and yeah there was [ _ ] going on in this one block downtown where the cameras were and the rest was life it was just life and if you had digested everything that CNN was giving you you would never have gotten on the plane you go crazy that’s but that’s that’s the it’s one of the things I you know I went back and lived in the UK for a while and I’ve since moved back but I would watch these documentaries in on like British reputable stuff by reputable journalists and they’ll say [ _ ] like you know the thing about Americans is the and I’m going which ones which [ _ ] ones are we talking like they talk about it like it’s a small town just outside of Birmingham you know it’s like it’s like on Americans loonies you go well not all of them you know and yes some of them but look at you know it it has this this odd thing but they will say things like you know people I remember when I lived in in uh Malibu and people would say oh you keeping clear of the fires you know I’d be like I don’t know what you’re talking about apparently there was fires up the coast I mean I saw two fires in uh yeah in California when I was here MH um I’m not saying they didn’t happen they did but it’s a big St it’s a big place it’s always like whenever my mother would call about something happening in New York when I lived in New York and be like that Transformer blew I was like it’s four blocks away yeah you understand how much life is between me and four blocks away I was recently moved by to New York within the last year and oh really yeah and I was talking to someone in a store and they didn’t have what I wanted and they said we’ve got it in our other store in 34 Street I’m like I don’t go below 79th Street what the hell is wrong with you and they said I know I know I don’t even know why I said it I guess we could go I’ll get a hotel and Midtown are you [ _ ] nuts I’m not going to Midtown why did you come back to New York I missed it I missed America I missed the I’m an American I feel more comfortable here for all of its problems yeah and I don’t think anyone in on Earth even the most resoundingly patriotic America and wouldn’t say that America didn’t have problems but it’s where I belong For Better or Worse is where I belong it’s where I where I fit because kind of nobody fits so I kind of think oh I fit in the place where where there’s a lot of different ways to fit in I guess in America right especially New York especially New York yeah New York belongs to the world I think it’s it does 100% it’s Sensational City yeah just sens it’s it really is I mean and it’s got a lot of problems yeah yeah but it’s amazing I was talking with uh we had uh Barbara corkrin on from uh Shark Tank and she built up this giant real estate Empire and she was going through her story of starting out real estate in New York and how at the time the Upper West Side was not even con considered livable yeah I think I can remember that it was like why would you even try and sell an apartment on the upper Wester West Side I know now it’s like the Paris you know it’s crazy it’s the best but it’s it’s a changing uh there’s a guy called George Han when I was on social media I used to follow he’s a guy that lives in the Upper West Side he’s kind comedian and’s a funny guy and he does these little New York minute things he’s fantastic yeah you should uh if you’re still if you’re going to stay on social media follow him CU he does like angry but very funny bits about New York very intelligent little pieces about New York yeah yeah I mean it look I we were there uh in like 2010 to like 14 mhm and my kids were little and then we left and came to LA and did all the stuff and then they went back and I had to tell them that moment when we were in New York and you kids were running up the subway platform and it was a it was an illusion it was this golden moment of New York that didn’t exist before and probably won’t after right this was very Keep Your Head on a swivel yeah stuff is real but life life is like that it keeps it keeps moving it keeps changing and I think the the difficulty is that you know especially as you get older the challenge is is to not look in the rear of your mirror and think everything’s great and not look where you’re going wasn’t it better then you go well was it I don’t know like I grew up in Scotland in 197s I will unequivocally say that [ _ ] sucks what was it like just terrible yeah you know if the high point of your day is getting an orange you know it’s like okay it’s I just I it wasn’t I didn’t love it did you have your sights on America at that time always from uh from as far back as I can remember rock and roll I started hearing rock and roll and I was like who makes this noise you know um and then who were the first who was oh like like Elvis Elvis and my parents listened to Johnny Cash albums obviously not rock and roll but but it’s but it kind of is and it’s it’s yeah and Johnny Cash we knew that Johnny Cash’s background was Scottish so they would listen to Johnny Cash even though I was a little kid and was just [ _ ] singing God yeah and and and they said oh you know he’s his family are from Scotland I was like what and and so I was like so you can go there uh so that it gets in early and then when I was uh 7 years old it’s one of my earliest memories we were allowed to stay up and watch the moonlanding and I watched the moonlanding I was like what what the [ _ ] is this who who’s doing that nobody from my school was landing on the [ _ ] moon and and uh and so it was this this it was American cultural imperialism and I’m a victim of it but but in a way yes a way no cuz my my people are part of it you know and yeah and then I had a conversation later on the reality start coming in I remember having a conversation with Cornell West years later about these American uh impulses when I was young and he said something which I’ll never forget uh he said black people have never had the luxury in of believing in American innocence and I was like oh okay so there is of course you know but if you only see your lane you don’t see everybody’s lane and then you kind of have to open up to more experiences of of different ways uh Americans come to being and it’s not all it’s not all good no 100% I do feel like uh I do get frustrated with the All America is [ _ ] not I really I I I think that’s what’s great about America is the acknowledgment of there [ _ ] here the yeah the acknowledgement of of how bad and let’s like I don’t see other cultures aggressively trying to correct and trying to move forward and trying to because they’re not they they don’t have what we have I mean they’re kind of again and now a little but they don’t have a country built entirely on other countries mhm you know is like it it’s like and suddenly and you know and it’s like the the the way it was you know put together at the beginning it was you know people from my background and Ireland and England and you know and making it that way for them but you know it’s got to change and it has to change but America does [ _ ] change and I think that’s what’s important about it yeah and also [ _ ] them you know what I mean it’s like we’re Americans [ _ ] them you know it’s it’s when they I [ _ ] hate those British documentaries and they go you see Americans are such loonies look at this man with a hat that says who farted on it I’m like that’s one [ _ ] guy one guy and I agree he’s an idiot but also he’s awesome it’s also he’s living his life do you know what one of the things was uh have you seen uh have you watched the the righteous gemstones yeah I’m like that’s a ddy McBride is I I love his work and that particular show I just like nailed it sine Chapel that’s the one um because these are awful people but they’re also awesome people and they’re also they’re they’re they’re terrible but but they’re not really and they’re human and they’re and they’re sometimes quite ugly in their behavior and a parents and but also yeah I know you know I know I really check myself in the airport especially when I’m tired and cranky yeah and you like what’s going on with these people and then you stop and you’re like you see a guy in his flip-flop and his belly’s hanging out and he’s he’s it’s 7:00 and he’s got a Bloody Mary in his hand and yeah you could be like get it together man I’m that guy you get it yeah get it together but then you’re like you know what good for you exactly exactly this is hard being a person is hard and you’re doing what you got to do to kind of get through and do what you God bless I mean the the people that the people that kind of bother me either in the you kind of TI real world or the digital world are the ones that sit in rampant Judgment of other people with minimal information and I really try as I get older not to do that now I’m not saying I don’t do it I know you know I I mean like in fact on the way here I was talking to my wife on the phone there was a woman in front of me smoking a cigarette out the window of her car and driving and on the phone at the same time and I could see her and she was driving very badly and I’m afraid I categorize her you know well here’s the thing and this this is uh has been on my mind because you mentioned it early on uh there is that you you said like well that’s what being a comedian is if you’re not angry and neurotic and all of that is there a danger in becoming evolved and more accepting of people and trying to put yourself in other people’s shoes of eliminating a part like a part of the your comedian head like there was a time I made horrible jokes about people on the bus horrible pictures about people’s disgusting attitudes on airplanes disgusting habits of people and then you get into this Kinder head and you’re like well God bless those people on the bus and God you know what I mean like do you if you eliminate the rage so [ _ ] what you know I mean that first of all I don’t think I’m in any danger of that I think I have Saudi Arabia of unhappiness I think I have deep dark reserves of [ _ ] that nobody but also I think Louis CK used to that great bit about they don’t need to make any more porn we we kind of got enough there’s plenty of comedians especially now I mean there’s like it’s like everybody everybody does it now you know not everybody that’s unfair but there’s a lot of Comedians and good ones yeah good ones too it was like I don’t know if you remember this but sometimes back like as recently as the like the 1980s you could buy a car and it was [ _ ] [ _ ] and like Ward would have to get out yeah you know people would buy them and like but now they don’t really make [ _ ] cars now yeah they don’t really make them mhm and it’s kind of the same with like a lot of these comedians are working well there’s so many comedians and yeah and they’re good yeah they’re good mhm so maybe it’s time to find another job that’s all I’m saying I I I feel like it might be time for me to do something else I don’t see that happening I don’t know man I don’t know you seem to from the outside just from how little I do know you you do seem like the reservoir fills up and you want to go express it I I don’t know how else to uh live yeah you know I I I don’t know how else to live it’s what I do but but um I remember I don’t Joe if you remember this but Peter Lali who was our boss in late night and Peter was like Johnny Carson like a legend and when I was you know when I was bitching about the job because you do any job you know long enough you going to start bitching about it and I remember saying p as I was working out up to Quinton I would say to p i you know I’m going to I’m going to quit and he would say you’ll miss that Standing Ovation every night when you walk out and I was like I don’t think I will mhm and I haven’t mhm not [ _ ] once yeah I get that not [ _ ] once it doesn’t last no and also a standing evasion when you get it also used to be stand Ovations were really rare yeah kind get also you know what I’ve started doing and I really [ _ ] mean it now I really mean it like I’ll start a show with an audience going look I’ve been doing this for a long time and and I’ve won awards and I’ve made money and stuff like I’ve been you know I don’t want to blow my own trumpet but I’m pretty successful in this so if this show sucks it’s not me it’s just not it’s you it’s on you you’re doing something wrong cuz I’ve done enough of this to prove the concept yeah you know and it’s like when people say you know it comedy’s like one of the odd places for this cuz they’ll say that’s not funny mhm they go well look at that Stadium full of people laughing at it somebody thinks it’s funny right so you’re the judge of what is and isn’t funny you’re you’re the ultimate but actually you are yeah you know if it’s not funny to you it’s not funny but it doesn’t mean it’s he’s not a comedian or she’s not a comedian yeah it’s like say look I’m not crazy about the work of Kenny G but I’m not going to try and shut him down right you know what I mean it’s it’s music yeah like and he’s accomplished and he’s he does a thing that a lot of people get a lot of pleasure out of and and I it’s not for me yeah uh the it’s uh that thing about the Applause there is you think when you’re coming up that if I could have a theater full of people standing up and applauding like that’s going to be the that’s going to be I I will have gotten it and you learn very quickly that as delightful as it is the feeling that you get from that by the time you’re in the dressing room is kind of evaporated well what I I think you’re right I think what it is is that uh what you find out very quickly that the condition you’re suffering from is far more serious than you thought it was is like you’re not just someone that needs a little validation it’s bad it’s [ _ ] bad cuz you’ll get the validation and it it’s just [ _ ] you know so where do you do you get it from just doing the work is the thing that satisfies you or is something outside of the career all I care about is the health and happiness of my children and my wife right it’s all I care about everything else I my my own health would be nice I wouldn’t mind making some money and I certainly don’t wish any harm on anyone but but bottom line is if you’re a parent I feel uh you’re as happy as your least happy kid yeah that’s it yeah that’s really the truth and and so you know when and my you know my youngest is 13 there is an evolving thing in parenting that I’m going to I’m having to deal with yeah uh in the you know very new I’m the chorer on a Sunday you know it’s like I better F Dad I know he like oh I bet my daughter’s graduating this weekend from College Muscle tough also you know it’s a thing it’s a thing and she’s been really busy this week and I keep FaceTiming her and she’s like I’m just going into a brunch I’m just I’m look where I am now and I’m like oh man I am my chasing I know and that’s why I’ve been talking to Megan about it is cu we cuz like we were thinking maybe we could just have more children uh she could still have children I mean I guess if you you know I don’t know if you add some juice to whatever I’ve got left in the Dust Bowl I could probably figure something out some supplements yeah like but but um I don’t think that’s the I think I think we have to change we have to figure out how to change so I’m suggesting let’s go to Florida a lot more but that’s not Megan’s from New England so that’s not working at all um so what advice would you give young Joe Bolter who’s got a uh this little boy kind of running around yeah a little Sputnik yeah yeah there’s really no I mean you can’t it’s all cliche it’s going to go fast it’s try and enjoy it try and enjoy it I try and enjoy it and and don’t give yourself a hard time about sleep deprivation it’s part of it yeah you Prett pretty much don’t ever sleep again not really cuz it goes from worrying about children so then you’re just a mess well you’re a mess and then you get to the point your children are old enough and now you think well also I’m older now and I’m dying so there is that he staring at the ceiling every time I go for a poop I think oh is it it’s uh do you sleep well it’s interesting I I get to a point now that I am you are for the first time in maybe ever really yeah I’m starting to sleep a little better I don’t really know drugs or [ _ ] man no I mean I I I wish what do you I don’t know I I try to go to bed hungry uhhuh uh cuz I feel like I sleep better if I’m hungry and it’s hard because you I don’t feel like sleeping cuz I feel awake but if I go to sleep hungry I sleep better oh interesting and the weird thing is then you wake up you’re not hungry weird maybe I’m on kind of oing and I don’t know it someone’s sneaking shot I’ll take it um I don’t think so I don’t sleep good all the time and also there’s one of the odd gifts that comes with age which I so grateful for is that nobody knows [ _ ] anathan nobody knows [ _ ] anathan see all these people that going well there is and I’m the secretary of state and I’m the governor of this and I’m that they’re all [ _ ] lying they’re [ _ ] their pants just like everybody else ex so you know have a good time don’t be a dick and and and try not to [ _ ] up yeah right exactly and I I I really think that’s kind of it like I I used to get very intimidated by you know people that I they’re very success I mean late night did me a huge favor actually with that that demystified everything there are some people you run into who are very smart though very smart and very impressive yeah yeah of course and and that’s fine but it doesn’t absolve you of insecurity it doesn’t absolve you of fear or all the human emotions of course you have all of those things my wife was a my wife is a uh a teacher and her kids a lot of times are say why do we have to learn history what’s what about history they and you know his kids always have that like what do we need to know that and I said to her last night what I really could have would have appreciated learning and would have made history a lot more interesting to me I I enjoyed it but the reality that people have not changed that much no really we’ve become more educ ated whatever but the human being with its fears and anxieties and feeling of its physical self and yeah all of that that human being has not really changed so 2,000 years ago it was you that was trying to solve these problems and trying to you your your food was different Your Atmosphere was different all those things are different but to tell a kid like it knows it’s imagine you being in that position 2,000 years ago facing these challenges and this is how these people did it and whether it was successful or not like that to me wasn’t until I was really a a grownup for quite some time to realize yeah to to be empathetic to people that have lived before you there’s also there’s also that slow drip it happens faster for some people through life circumstances for me it was a little slower but you get that slow drip of mortality mhm you know and some people through tragedy or mishap get to know about tragedy like my my wife father died when she was very young and so obviously there was like a big shock trauma lesson early on but the uh but it there is that mortality thing and and you start to go well um how important is this really and the and the you know and I I a lot of the things things that I thought were really important uh like when you were up all night when a kid got C that’ll [ _ ] change it yep you know like yeah you know it’s like please just make this okay make this okay everything falls everything falls away kind of you know kind of and I and that’s that’s kind of how I feel about it so all of the ambition maybe it’s maybe that’s how ambition is meant to run that you you feed it and and then you get you get a lot of what you wanted and you go well that that was all right I guess m you know well you definitely it’s almost like you can’t learn these lessons too early or you won’t make your way well also also but there’s also the greed component to it like if you look at the the the billionaire situation like people who have these giant super mega yachs and like he’s worth or she is worth a pat trillion million gillion dollars you go what’s the point of that M yeah I I really don’t I swear to God I don’t understand it I don’t get big houses yeah well NE do I cuz I’ve lived in a couple I’m like well [ _ ] that [ _ ] like a massive what are you going to do with it well pay a lot of heat bills that’s what you’re going to do with it I mean I but that’s that’s what I didn’t know that until I you know until I went to the other side of it and I but I I don’t I don’t understand it and I think money money is a is an odd thing because like where I I I come from a modest background of an extremely modest background and you know I don’t want to be competitively poor with other people but it there was not a lot of [ _ ] money yeah and the what we believed was a couple of things about money we believed that rich people were kind of stupid uhhuh and that if I had their money I’d be happy mhm and these two things are wrong about rich people like you might not be happy and like look money’s better than no money hands down I’m not going to say that but but beyond a certain point what the [ _ ] is going on right you know what you doing I know I mean anytime you know it’s it’s almost you hear stories of like when kids grew up and they were like you know so poor and they had five kids in a bed and every kid’s every kid’s childhood was pretty great other than like an abusive whatever but like you you weren’t adding up bank accounts you were just with your other kids in your house doing your thing and it’s was pretty great well well um I can’t really go there with you I think there’s a lot of people survive their childhoods and and and I think that there’s there’s a lot a lot of that you know even in my own childhood there’s some stuff happened I’m like that’s truly [ _ ] awful that like well but yeah having said that I didn’t do it I was a kid it happened to me I’m going to live the rest of my life [ _ ] you know yeah saying oh that shouldn’t haveen it shouldn’t have [ _ ] happened but it happened and no it’s and no it’s not happening yeah and no but I’m I’m saying not I’m saying short of like the traumatic right things the apples in the hallway yeah that was great I’m not not complaining about about free fruit that you know I mean like through the through the lens of a kid like you kind of have your your needs are met I think and I think if they’re not your job is as an adult is to fix that mhm you know to know if you can yeah you know I think that there is a look there are traumas that I don’t know how people get past them no and there are I you know I I just I just don’t know how people but they do yeah you know people do and and so I’m in admiration of people that that come up tough but tough doesn’t necessarily mean poor just means tough and and um I think the myth that I bought into when I was young is that poor is the only tough and it’s not MH you know mhm human is the only tough it’s it’s it it can be tough sometimes it’s crazy it’s crazy that uh something that can happen to you very very early is yours to carry forever I uh I was heavy as a kid I was Heavy you know I was like pre-teen I was very chubby and I still think I I was too yeah I it’s why you’re a standup yeah I always I what do I say Joe nine times out of 10 do I look fat yeah yeah am I fat does it the angle on my thing yeah yeah yeah I do the same isn’t it weird yeah you’re not fat you’re not fat either no but I know you don’t believe me yeah I don’t cuz I don’t believe you and that it’s the funny thing it’s like and also it like you have a bet about it it’s great you know what for you know you you you what is it your thing Bob and a you’re Bob and a account Rob County you’re not an Olympic Athlete you’re done from counting by the way are are the Olympics this year is it this year the Olympics yes Paris a couple months yeah I’m not going why not I don’t care for the Olympics why um it it promotes swimming like people [ _ ] every four [ _ ] years I go did you watch the swimming no I’m not going to watch [ _ ] swimming what the [ _ ] is wrong with you I’ve got kids I watch my kids swimming is that what it is there’s like grown adults swimming up and down laps and I yeah and people like did you see the swimming I went no I didn’t see the swimming and they they start to make out sports that have no business being on prime time TV break dancing this year break well I might watch that yeah got I might watch the break dancing no wrestling but break dancing well no but some of the sports I’m like ah is that really a thing like throwing the bowling ball or the the the the stick oh look far he threw a stick oh that’s great [ _ ] please I get excited about the Olympics because I it’s just something that’s on that I know the family will all kind of drift in it’s like right now I’m watching a lot of Godzilla movies no one else in the house is interested nobody nobody’s going how how come run yeah goodzilla M it’s great yeah I I don’t know what it is did you see the new thing with Kurt Russell the Monsters uh thing I started watching it oh no stay with it yeah stay with it stay with it stay with it also it’s car Russell yeah it’s car Russ so if you don’t watch it you’re an American it’s true you a communist yeah it’s like Fu no I love a good monster movie I also like baseball no one in my house is interested they all go to their separate ways I like the idea of baseball but every time I watch it for more than like half an hour on TV I’m like it’s kind of the secret is well then if that’s okay that’s okay then and then then I really am an American 100% yeah I fall asleep with potato chips falling down my body I kept telling Joe for the radio show that we should try and go broadcast from uh from Paris for the Olympics it’s sounded like we were going to make it happen you don’t want to do that we did the Late Night show from Paris you remember yeah you know they get really mad at me cuz I was like cuz Joe was doing the inside of the horse right dancing horse and and I said well Joe’s got to come to Paris they went can we get just a [ _ ] french actor fly this guy over to Paris I’m like no you got to get and we had to get the back end of the horse as well he had to come as well did you put a lot into the performance of it oh yeah like if someone else had stepped into it you know that they wouldn’t have done it as well I think so right well yeah and if you had a french actor in the front of the horse would just go yeah which was only one of its many movements doing its mind yeah yeah that’s right the little H smoking a cigarette actually the horse smoking a cigarette would be pretty funny i’ we did that on the show actually at some point I think we did they’re doing a thing now where they’re training uh kids who work in restaurants in Paris uh they’re training them to be more polite during the Olympics they’re going to have to bust people in CU I I don’t I don’t know how that’s going to [ _ ] work I don’t even want that no who wants a French we like where am I [ _ ] Orange County this is ridiculous exactly don’t be nice to me this is why I’m here yeah I love it when I was talking to a French waiter once about how much he hates his job and and everybody and it was fantastic he said the worst is when Americans come in and they say do you have water it’s like no we don’t I don’t know how we managed to cook we don’t have any water we don’t have any water in the whole restaurant do you have water yes we have water oh where we going you took you went with Craig why couldn’t we go make that happen we went well it wasn’t for the Olympics we that we were there no it was for for anything what did you who did you do the radio show for we do for Netflix Fu money right Netflix and seriousness like Coke and Pepsi Jesus Christ you they can afford it this is what I keep saying yeah yeah I want us to be there opening ceremony I know do you though I know remember when we went to the Super Bowls and stuff and like you’re low man in the totem pole is not about you you know and you imagine how mean the French people are going to be to American radio shows walking around will you talk to us yeah oh no that’s not going to be good at all yeah and also who you going to talk to swimmers I don’t know I don’t know many swimmers but here’s my guess talking isn’t their thing can you imagine the number of condoms they’re going to have to hand out in the Olympic Village in Paris why well you know they always have to they always import a bunch of condoms because they’re young beautiful athletes from all around the world there’s a lot of sex going on I didn’t think young people had sex anymore I thought it was all he hey I thought that was what sex was yeah yeah we’re talking about the world class athletes oh yeah and now they’re in Paris well well well hello what’s your standup schedule like uh I’m going to uh I’ve got a few more shows to do I just shot a special and nice what’s it called it’s called I’m so happy it’s perfect yeah it’s good it’s good isn’t it I had to check to see if you had done it actually cuz I thought Tom would do that yeah it makes you laugh immediately yeah it does cuz you’re like what the [ _ ] yeah um so uh I’m doing I’ve done the special so you know what it’s like once you do a special you know well this soon as this goes out there materials toast so yeah I’m just kind of winding it up then I’m going to take a few months off and then okay I’ll maybe go back out on the road well on the road I’m going to start doing stand-up shows in the fall right but I’m going to take the summer off I I haven’t been doing any TV at all TV seems like it’s on fire right now is it like it’s so crazy like I talked to every producer I talked to is like I I can’t get anything M I’m like is it me I talk to other people like no nobody’s getting it’s so weird I know there’s a lot of people out of work yeah I guess if you if you do stand up you’re kind of not how it work I know it’s kind of like this little blue collar part of show business that keeps on chugging yeah I think that’s good it’s really I think that I think that’s why I still do it yeah also I think when you said blue collar I like you know what it is a kind of a blue collar thing it is a kind of you show up and do your job and if you don’t do your job somebody’s going to have something to say and yeah I kind of like it for that I do too yeah I know it’s just you when did you first do it 1993 June 12th 1993 wow you know the day mhm but how come was it aspirational for you you wanted to be a comedian yeah yeah W that’s that’s good and I looked it up in the Village Voice and I used to look at things in the Village Voice and I was like oh if I if you bring a couple people to sit in the audience you can get on stage and I remember where was uh it was the New York comedy club which is in a different location now but it was it was on um the second second floor from a Cowboy Bar on downstairs and they had a little showroom upstairs and I remember taking the Village Voice into my room in my apartment and making the phone call and them saying okay yeah uh yeah you can come in on June 12th at 7 o’ and you’ll get on and I hung up and I was like I’m going to do it June 12th 1993 I’m and you and how’d it go uh it was I got to bring a couple friends mhm sit in the audience so I had like four and they were the other than maybe one other person that was the audience there was nobody else there okay I’ve done shows like that and they weren’t even my friends and uh Greg Geraldo was the other comedian oh yeah waiting to go on he a good comedian so good yeah and I went up and it was great I mean the great thing about it as you’ll understand is it was you know always being funny in your life but actually telling a joke in a joke structure and having it work was just yeah it’s pretty good that was great pretty good yeah every night there’s a joke that I do it’s in the special so I can tell you it now there’s a thing I’m talking about uh when I had a UTI and uh the only relief I could get was standing with a my penis and a glass of cold water and then Joe that that I thought was the joke and then I would M me standing with a penis in a glass of cold water and it get does get a laugh but then Joe wrote a punch line at that joke and I I think about him every time I say the punch line cuz it [ _ ] hits the Raptors every night I say you know it was so bad all I had to I had to stand with my penis and a glass of cold water then I mime it and then I say I can never go back to that Denny and that every night boom and it it’s one you know when you’ve got a joke and you go here comes that joke and no matter what this crowd is like like I know there’s one coming and this one’s going to hit and it does every time that’s [Applause] great wow still well yeah I got to bring more cash cuz I don’t think there one line when did you write that joke like two years ago it was I might was I know it was January but when was that it been January 2022 I has it been that long yeah probably I mean we were still Co yeah I think around the time we were working on it you well that’s when I got yeah I got Co and and I got the UTI was my bonus feature from Co wow what a treat oh Jesus what a treat are you worried about the bird flu no yeah no I mean I I I can get there right now want me up I mean I it’s kind of like I worry about a lot of stuff but yeah I really try not to it’s trying to build a clutch mechanism between between you and Terror you know what I mean just how do you how do you put it in I’m not always successful yeah no I know it’s uh yeah or even worse when you’re not afraid and you feel like everything’s kind of okay for the moment worrying that well something must be coming well here’s the thing so people used to say you know you worry about so many things and they never happen right you worry about all these things and they never never happen so I extrapolate from that by worrying about things I will ensure that they will not happen right so in order for something not to happen I will worry about it now I think that gets in there for a lot of people yeah and I think also that it always happens when you least expect it there another one you go well yeah because I you know oh I didn’t cuz if you walking around expecting [ _ ] to happen all the time You’ never go out right so yeah it’s going to happen when you when you at least moderately don’t expect it because that’s the nature of surprise like surprise oh I was expecting this oh then not surprised right yeah I think yeah there’s a comedian default of well yeah it’s kind of happened yeah yeah yeah my wife were and I were on a flight and uh we had this crazy more than turbulence like it was uh I think the engine actually went out someone screamed from the thing and it was bumpy and it was just like holy cie something’s going to happen and my wife turns to me and I’m and I said yeah it’s kind of how I thought it was going to go down she’s like you’re just kind of EX I understand you know what I mean I understand I learned to fly airplanes cuz I was so terrified of flying oh really yeah guess what still terrified of flying and and can fly airplanes and have flown them on my own in dangerous conditions right yeah not terrified when I’m doing it yeah terrified after when I think about what it was but also I can be like in a risky situation in a single engine small Cessna I’m flying on my own and not worry about it mild turbulence in a 747 with a highly qualified team of aviators up front I’m like yeah yeah and just so I don’t think it’s really about the flying is it no no it’s how hairy of a situation have you been in when you were flying no one or two I’ve made mistakes I my first Cross Country flight not cross country is not actually across the country in aviation uh tuition your first flight away from the airport to another airport in back it’s called your cross country the first one I did was uh from vanise airport to Bakersfield to Porterfield I think it was called and then back to Van night so it’s around trip about you know a little while wow and uh an hour an hour and a half and I’m in the air airplane on my own and I hit some pretty decent turbulence above uh the uh what do they call these mountains the S and is it s it’s not San Andreas it’s the Santa something the mountains on the way into La uh what they that’s the valley so what’s the San Andreas s is it s it’s not s Santa something I don’t know the mountains anyway so they m and I was flying over him and it got a little bumpy and I uh got a little scared uhhuh and uh and I you know kind of made some mistakes and then I what do you mean well I flew into Los Angeles airspace too high uhhuh and you got scared and went up yeah I went scared cuz I was trying to get out this but you you don’t change altitude particularly around Los Angeles uh or in the in that airspace without getting permission from an air traffic controller uh so they yelled at me a little bit it’s terrifying yeah it’s pretty bad but uh you know everybody we got I would moved a little bit I mean the good thing to know about this is they are so [ _ ] on it yeah like I was I moved a little bit and they’re like hey where you going I was like oh it’s pretty bad oh you can’t go there go back I was like okay and then yeah it was uh it’s scary yeah yeah but but there is that comedian thing of just yeah something’s going to happen I think you just you just have a uh you don’t I we I was going to say you don’t really lie to yourself that everything’s going to be okay I mean you do in the short term but you have survive I think yeah but look here’s the truth of it s Point yeah you got to die something right something’s going to go down something’s going to happen I’m hoping for this I had a conversation with a friend of mine he’s about the same age as me and we were talking about uh Plumbing issues versus cognitive issues uhhuh you know in the in the you know as the Horsemen of the Apocalypse approach which one do you choose do you want Plumbing or cognitive uhhuh and I said well you know it’s a tough choice but I think honestly for me I choose cognitive if I get to choose which of course you don’t yeah because Plumbing my problem cognitive somebody else’s problem right yeah but I don’t think that’s true I think that’s a naive view of it I think cognitive stuff cuz I had my grandmother uh got Alzheimer’s and she was kind of in a lot of distress sometimes about it um so I don’t think it I don’t think there’s a free ride no there’s not you just have to uh have a good time while you can live in the day yeah then get in a plane and go into the mountain uh please don’t do that I’ve got to fly back to the UK in like three days you do that’s going to be my head the whole time so wa you’re still going back I go back and forward and I’m do you know I go over there and and I still have a place there and oh you do so yeah split your time well where the kids uh my son is at school my youngest son’s at school in Scotland and my oldest son is uh left uh college and is working in New York City that’s what my we my daughter maybe they could be friends they’re she’s going to do the same thing starting next week animation she doing animation uh she’s a writer yeah could do the same thing is she finishing College Sunday graduation oh well you said graduation but I kind of because you’re so young I thought it was like high school yeah no she’s graduating she’s going to go out and be a person is that it is that all you’ve got one no then I have another one who’s a freshman right well I don’t understand the fresh first year of college first year of University right and I feel like that’s where my future is going to be is just chasing them wherever they go for sure think you do you have any tattoos yeah I think it’s time to get more I’m thinking the same thing I I don’t if you noticed I have a my earring is back in oh I I didn’t have an earring in for years and years and years years like since I was 40 I went take it out you’re 40 get the earring out and then I put it I was in the uh apartment in New York with my family the other day and my my youngest son said do you think you could because we talked about I used to have an earring and he said do you think you could get it still in my your ear I went I no and my wife said here try this and so I’ve got this here and and it went boom straight in oh wow and but I realized I don’t think the hole was open I think I’m now so old that my ears are just sponged it just went just squished right through it just went you could do it to the other but I I thought to myself you know what maybe that’s I remember having a conversation with Margaret Cho about that Margaret started to get a lot of tattoos and piercings and stuff and she said it’s better it’s combat the aging process instead of plastic surgery like cover yourself in tattoos all right I like Margaret she’s crazy crazy thinker and I’d literally have been thinking that there’s this tattoo artist around here who yeah I saw the way it funny it got my attention I was like yeah I was like hey I’m maybe just go stop in what have you got right now I have uh I have this uh this sun with a Walt Whitman quote around it nice from when I was very much first tattoo though yeah yeah very early and uh my wife’s name on also this got have that which I got before we were married risk yeah she came in and it was across my arm I was like well there’s no getting out of this and uh on my leg which was really the first tattoo yeah was this uh gnome this horrible gnome uh he was watering a pot plant and I just picked it off a wall in New Jersey I think that’s a great first tattoo just got it on AES and when I went back to that tattoo guy near here I was like I either have to do something with this something has to H he either has to go away or I have to improve on it and uh I had my buddy add two Little Gnome girls girl gnomes riding on his back uh as my daughter’s oh that’s kind of great so I added to yeah I’m the with it I’m The Gnome yeah that is pretty good how long is this podcast how long have we been talking an hour and a half yeah an hour and a half we’re an hour oh we got to wrap it up the [ _ ] I if I have known this i’ have charged your money I gave you two breads yeah two breads if you did one bread you would have been out of here in an hour yeah that’s true I I I’m a bread every 45 minutes I don’t you can tell how many tattoos do you have I don’t know anymore have a lot but only on my arms only on your arms I got this which is great yeah I that this one’s down on my leg I I I don’t want to get tattoos in my legs but this is the one that see this here uhhuh that’s Saturn yes the bringer of old age oh cuz I figure like this whenever I forget to wear my watch and I look at my hand still [ _ ] coming that’s great still [ _ ] coming that’s really great um yeah but I like the attitude though I like the attitude of more tattoos put the earring in yeah enjoy yourself dis gracefully gr old disgracefully and and don’t hate on the Young no this is a real [ _ ] problem I’ve seen with our with our generation they’re like hating on the young cuz they’re changing it you know that’s their [ _ ] prerogative yeah you know yeah like I remember old comedians talking about young comedians when I was a young comedian I [ _ ] hated them for it I was like [ _ ] you [ _ ] [ _ ] like oh these alternative so-called the alternative comedians yeah the alternative to comy anyway and you’re like [ _ ] you it’s really true old fossil yeah it’s like I don’t want to hate on the youth it’s hard sometimes cuz they’re pretty literal I have to say well yeah some of them suck uh I do feel like uh getting more tattoos and having more fun and being like you know I don’t have to worry about things like the way the young kids have to is they’re finding their way but I there is also so there’s this like fun rebellious part that I should go enjoy but ‘s also another part of me that feels like act your age like I should be I you know what it’s kind of cool being a grownup and I and I should I don’t mind just depends what you feel that is don’t being a dick about it just you know being uh just being a it depends on where you are as well cuz like I’m 62 uh right so if I act my age in Scotland right yeah it’s very or if I act my age in Malibu I’m getting married again I’m I’m I’m moving on to my third set of kids you know you know in Scotland I’m like well and in Malibu I’m like hey thank you so much for doing this oh God it’s such a pleasure I am so glad we should spend time like this and not record it yeah exactly yeah that that not that this was do we bring Joe yeah I think that we could do that I don’t know I mean that’s your call he’s working for you I just know him just a guy now a guy now yeah he used to work for me even now I just knew him so it’s fine all right that’ll be great and uh we’ll hook up in New York yeah all the time well I’m there a lot I’m not there much over the summer okay but uh in the fall in the fall for sure all right and it’s a beautiful time in New York I don’t know if you ever saw that movie utum in New York with Richard Gear and another person I can’t remember was all right we got it Joey [Music]

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